I have a confession. Sometimes I crave the wrong things. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was surprised by how quickly one picture on facebook took me away on a wave of emotions, bringing up feelings I thought had long been dealt with. It was a picture of a friend's son sitting at his desk for his first day of homeschool. Suddenly I longed for that house he was sitting in.... an American house with carpeted floors, probably a grassy yard outside, in a spacious neighborhood with wide streets. That picture stuck with me. I found myself feeling sad, craving the feel of carpet under my feet as I walked through my day homeschooling our girls. Memories of our old home in NC flooded my mind, accompanied by an unwelcome jealousy of those living that life. I knew that I was envying something that the Lord in His perfect goodness had taken from me. And there is just not room for that in my heart! It was robbing me of the joy and peace that comes from delighting in the Lord. I had to call it what it was before the Lord. I confessed it as sin and pleaded with Him to root it out of my heart. And, as always, it was in that secret place that He so graciously dealt with me.
It was through the words of Psalm 73 that the Lord restored my heart. Now, the psalmist was actually writing about a time when he envied the apparent prosperity of the wicked, which is not what I was doing. Many people live God-honoring lives in nice houses, so please understand that even though the object of envy was completely different, I totally related to the psalmist's honest expereience of wrestling with his own heart.
"my feet almost slipped... For I envied... they are at ease... I became embittered and my inmost being was wounded, I was stupid and didn't understand..."
Yes, that how it is written! I was stupid and didn't understand. But it is so true! My heart tends to forget. I think sometimes that certain earthly things would make my life better. I slip back into longing for things that God has taken away from me...
"until I entered God's sanctuary"
It is when I sit with Him in His ever-faithful presence, that I am reminded of the incomparable treasures He has given me! Anything He has ever taken from me has been replaced with immensely better riches. As I have poured out my heart to Him these past couple of weeks, with a tile floor beneath my feet, I have felt so deeply thankful that I sit here with a heart that is free. I am not sitting at my old dining room table, toes in the carpet, wishing I could have the courage to let go and surrender everything to Him. Instead, I sit here surrendered. Free. With a heart that continues to truly desire to be more fully His in every way. I continue to have experiences like this one, where He reveals to me areas that I am holding back from Him. And each time, I experience Him bringing me into a place of greater freedom and greater joy. I love the journey. I love the intimate fellowship with my God and King. He is my great reward. The treasures I have in Him make everything else a lesser thing. Those lesser things, that my forgetful heart tends to crave, are just not worth sacrificing for.
Our God is One who gives generously. He has given His Son to meet our greatest need. Jesus died in our place, taking the punishment we deserve. When we turn from trying to do things our own way, and place our trust in Him, He gives us His righteousness, bringing us into an unbreakable relationship with God. And in Him, we have everything our hearts long for. He satisfies every desire, every craving of our heart. I know that I have believed this about God, but now He is bringing me into a place where I am experiencing it more fully. I am truly thankful for all He has taken from me. What He has given is far better! In the words of C.S. Lewis, earthly things "were never intended to possess my heart... my true good is in another world, and my only real treasure is Christ." My heart couldn't possibly yearn for anything else. I have everything! My heart cries out with the psalmist more sincerely than before...
"Yet I am always with You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me up in glory.
Who do I have in heaven but You? And I desire nothing on earth but You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever."
Afterward. That word in the verse above reminds me of the heavenly home that God has prepared for those who are His! He will bring me there one day. And I will be in my true forever home with the One who has always been by my side. I have never felt more deeply satisfied. I have everything I need and long for, and I have a future that is certain.
I pray that the Lord will use these things that He teaches me in the secret place to help someone else. He is definitely the One leading me to write, so I just know that He has a purpose in it. I would love to hear from you if you want to reach out on facebook or by email at jcsaleeby@yahoo.com.
-Christy
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