Keep on Asking...

I’m going to be totally transparent with you… I have been struggling with this passage in the Bible:

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for… For everyone who asks, receives… If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him.”

Matthew‬ ‭7‬:‭7‬-‭8‬, ‭11‬ NLT

As many of you know, I have been injured by the Covid vaccine.  (I’ll give a health update at the end for those of you who are interested.) This last year and a half has been full of pain – both physically and emotionally as we have been unable to return to our home in Guatemala as a family. So maybe it doesn’t surprise you to know that I struggle with passages like that one.  But before I continue with that train of thought… I need to back up and share a quick story about me.  

I used to struggle with many passages in the Bible, wrestling with them until I could make them fit into what seemed reasonable to me. I was often afraid to teach my girls certain passages because they were too complicated to explain - mostly because my explaining was really just me trying to make them mean what I thought they should mean!  This all changed for me about 3 years ago – and now with our current situation I can see how the Lord was graciously preparing me for a very difficult time. We started going to a church in Guatemala, Iglesia Reforma, where they taught the Scriptures unapologetically… not shying away from the difficult passages. And some of the teaching challenged my theology at the time. It caused me to want to try reading the Bible with fresh eyes. I asked the Lord to help me take off the old lenses through which I viewed His Word, lenses of my own reasoning, where I felt the Scripture couldn’t possibly mean certain things and it just had to mean other things. As I read through the Bible, free from the struggle of fitting it in with my preconceived notions, God rocked my world. I came to a new understanding of who God is and how He interacts with His people.  The biggest change in my thinking was in terms of His absolute sovereignty. And while so many feel that the topic of His sovereignty in all things (especially in the choosing of His people and bringing them into His Kingdom) is not something we should discuss… “agree to disagree”…  I found it inescapable in Scripture.  It was so freeing to stop worrying about making the Scripture fit what I thought was reasonable, and just believe that what it says is true – even when I couldn’t reconcile with it.  It made me feel smaller and God seem bigger, which I find very comforting. It no longer bothers me that God’s ways are sometimes hard to grapple with.  He is God. He does what He pleases.  And it makes no difference if my puny mind approves or understands. 

But His sovereignty is not the only thing I came to believe, I also came to see that He is altogether good in every way.  He chose His people, He loves His people, and He is for His people – working all things for our good (Romans 8:28-32 – don’t stop at verse 28!) Ok I’m gonna put it right here:

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. 

For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like His Son, so that His Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 

And having chosen them, He called them to come to Him. And having called them, He gave them right standing with Himself. And having given them right standing, He gave them His glory.

What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since He did not spare even His own Son but gave Him up for us all, won’t He also give us everything else?”   (Romans 8:28-32)

This truth about God – He is fully sovereign and fully good – has become the unshakeable rock that I am standing on.  There is much more I want to say on this topic, but I will leave it at that for now and get back to where I started this blog.  But I will say that I think so many people are missing the treasure to be found in believing God’s sovereignty in all things – even when it’s difficult to understand.  Unfortunately, many people who do embrace this truth also neglect other teachings in Scripture about boldly and passionately inviting people to come into His kingdom.  We must embrace the full teaching of God’s Word, even when we can’t wrap our minds around how certain things go together. 

Back to my recent struggle.  What do I do with passages like the one above where Jesus clearly says that “everyone who asks, receives?”  And in case you missed it one time, you’ll find it in there multiple times, which was starting to annoy me because it didn’t seem to match up with my reality.  I have been asking for healing for a year and a half, but have yet to receive.  In my head, I knew how to explain these passages, but in my heart, I felt a struggle of faith.  It was apparent because I couldn’t read those passages without tears. I mean what do you do with the parable in Luke 11:5-13?! Jesus doesn’t shy away from such bold statements, and if He said it, He must mean it.  As I tearfully “kept on asking” the Lord for understanding, He graciously gave it to me.  

• First, I realized that He wouldn’t have said “keep on asking” if He meant that we will receive what we ask for in our own timing.  He wants us to keep on asking, even when we don’t yet receive! He wants us to trust in His timing and be persistent in bringing our requests to Him, knowing that He alone is the Source of our help.  

• The second thing I realized is that as I “keep on asking,” while submitting to His pre-ordained plans for my life, He changes the things I ask for.  I now find myself praying just as often that God would help me glorify Him through this trial as I do for healing. I think that’s what Psalms 37:4 is all about: “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires.”

• And I think the biggest treasure He has given me is the realization that He promises to give us “good” gifts when we keep on asking.  I may think I know what is “good,” but the truth is, God alone gets to define what is “good.”  And His “good” is better than my “good.”  He has not given me the good gift of healing yet, but He has given me better gifts – Joseph, our daughters, and I have deeper joy, peace, and faith than we have ever had, due to an intimacy with our Lord that came through the suffering.  And we all agree that those things make it all worth it.  We still long for my healing and for this trial to end, but we will forever be thankful for it all.  Luke’s version of Matthew 7:11 ends with “how much more will your Heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him.”  That tells us that regardless of what we are asking for, He gives us the gift of Himself in the waiting.  

Jesus says it again in John‬ ‭15‬:‭7‬-‭8‬: “But if you remain in Me and My words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are My true disciples. This brings great glory to My Father.” This tells us that the asking that Jesus is talking about refers to fruitfulness and bringing glory to God.  

So if we put those things together, we see that God gives us Himself (the Holy Spirit) when we keep on asking, remaining in Him and His words in us, which results in fruit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22) - and a life that brings glory to God.  

So what about the physical healing we are still asking for? I believe that when He determines that my physical healing is good and will bring Him more glory than my suffering, He will give it.  It may be in this lifetime or after.  But until that time, I will keep on asking, believing that He is not withholding any good thing from me (Psalm 84:11)!

And now for a health update for those who are interested… 

The pain in my hips persists, which makes walking difficult - although I do have good weeks and bad weeks with this.  Even on the bad weeks, it is still much better than it was last summer/fall. The Lord seems to give me the good weeks when I especially need them.  I am truly thankful for His mercy. The twice-a-week therapeutic massage continues to help tremendously.  I’m so thankful for J.R. at Pinnacle Physical Therapy (on Forest Dr. in Columbia, SC, for any of my local friends). I have still not been able to sit without pain since last May. I do have a cushion that makes car rides more bearable. We are thankful for restaurants with tall tables, so that Joseph and I can go out to dinner on occasion and stand at the table.  I have developed neuropathy in my feet which causes them to ache and burn often. But I do have good weeks and bad weeks with that as well. My thyroid is now regulated with medication.  My skin continues to itch and peel, and my hair (which has been falling out since November) has gotten very thin… but thankfully no bald spots!  I saw Dr. Plante last week, and while he is encouraged to see progress in the big picture, he still sees a long road ahead of me.  So we wait on the Lord.

 

We put our hope in the Lord.

He is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in His holy name.

Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,

for our hope is in you alone. (Psalms 33: 20-22)

A couple of weeks ago, we decided that the girls needed a break from school, so we took the week off and had a staycation... we found lots of free things to do around Columbia.  The Lord blessed me with a good week physically, despite having a couple of really rough weeks just before, and then another rough week after.  He just reminded me that He can tell my body to do whatever He wants!

Surprisingly, touring the statehouse in Columbia was one of our favorite things we did that week!

Strawberry picking was also a blast - not exactly free, but cheaper than if we had bought that many strawberries at the grocery store!  And we ate every bit of those 2 gallons in less than 3 days! 😳

Layla played with the SC Youth Philharmonic Orchestra in a concert at the Koger Center. She just started playing violin last August, but with an awesome teacher and her love for playing, she has come a long way in such a short time.  I was nervous I wouldn't be allowed able to stand off to the side and watch her performance, but no one asked me to leave.  Another blessing!

On my good weeks, I can walk up to a mile at a time.  It still hurts, but it seems to be helping with my overall health - building strength and making a big difference in my neuropathy symptoms. I often seem to have my little ducklings coming along with me. 😍

Words cannot adequately express my love for this man.  While this has been so incredibly hard for him, he continues to trust the Lord, reminding me of Truth often, and passionately continuing to seek the Kingdom of God despite so many unknowns.  He is strong in the Lord, steady in his resolve to follow Jesus, and always striving to serve Him in our marriage, with our girls, and in this world.

An Unexpected Season

The Lord has put it on my heart for some time now to write about this unexpected season.  But I honestly have no idea how I am going to put into words all that He has done and taught us these past months.  It's hard to know how to describe this season we find ourselves in.  I want to say how incredibly difficult and painful this trial has been, but then I just can't!  The riches of the treasures we have found in the Lord during this time have caused me to feel truly thankful for every bit of it.  Every wrong diagnosis, all the time spent with no answers and worsening symptoms, the grief of being away from our earthly home in Guatemala, even all the moments battling the despair that wanted to take over.  Through it all, we have been held so closely by our Father.  He has shown Himself to be sovereign, not allowing this trial to end until He has fulfilled His every purpose for it.  He has proved Himself to be good, giving mercy just when we need it, and comfort in knowing that He has ordained this for our good.  He has been our refuge, our safe place, and we know He will be that for all eternity, no matter how long this earthly life endures or how full of trials it may be.  Through Jesus, we have been brought near to God, and He will never let us go.  Our souls are secure for eternity, and He is walking beside us every moment of every day.  No circumstance or trial can shake those things, so we always have cause to rejoice.  

For those of you reading this that don't know what's been going on, let me fill you in.  I started having hip pain in January as I was recovering from a broken ankle.  It worsened through the months that followed, so I went straight to an orthopedist when we arrived in the States in April for what we thought would be a 5-6 week visit.  It appeared I just needed physical therapy.  But then, after beginning some physical therapy, the pain was now in both sides of my hips.  Then, in May, I developed over the course of a few days, bursitis in both hips and both of my sit bones.  The pain was constant.  I could no longer sit at all without intense pain.  Walking and standing was also painful - in my hips and soon also in my left foot as well.  And after some time, it also became very painful in my lower back (sacrum) when I was laying down.  I also had pinched nerve pain in my upper back and neck which prevented me from being able to lay on my stomach.  In other words, there were weeks where the pain was constant and there was no position I could find any relief.  I also developed severe dermatitis, where my skin began a constant cycle of burning, itching, and peeling. I grieved a lot during that time.  My family was going places and doing things, and I was in the room able to do nothing but rotate from one pain to another all day long.  Also, during this time, we had no idea what was wrong with me.  I went from pushing through the pain and doing physical therapy 3 times a week for several weeks, to resting completely for several weeks.  I had 6 steroid injections, platelet-rich-plasma injections, dry needling many times, ASTYM therapy, a round of oral steroids... but no matter what, I just got worse.  I was tested for auto-immune diseases and had MRIs done on my hips and lower back.  Then I went to a new doctor.  The first visit was with his PA so she could order blood tests and have me come back to talk with the doctor himself.  She suggested I take Cymbalta for the pain.  That night I took the Cymbalta, along with my usual benedryl and 5mg of a muscle relaxer to help me sleep.  Unfortunately, that combination sent me to the ER where I spent the day getting IV fluids (it's called anticholinergic toxicity... severe shaking, dilated pupils, darting eyes, rapid heart rate, nausea... it was pretty scary to be honest!).  After that experience, I was afraid to take any medicine at all.  I have gradually returned to my normal meds (definitely not the 3 meds I took that night though!), but there were a few days when I wouldn't take anything for pain.  And I remember looking at Joseph every time it got too bad and saying "all I have is Jesus" - I can't go take something to help.  He's all I have.  And Joseph would pray for me, and every time, God would mercifully grant me a measure of relief.  I will never forget that. I believe He has shown the same mercy in providing medicine that helps, but in those days, it was so real to me that He is all I need!  

The following week, I had my follow-up appointment with my new doctor, Dr. Plante.  He carefully studied all of my medical records from the previous months, along with the new blood tests he had run.  By that time, I was also dealing with a rapid heart rate on a regular basis, which also caused shortness of breath, shakiness, and feelings of anxiety.  (I found out that my thyroid was in overdrive, which was the cause of those symptoms).  Dr. Plante talked with us for over an hour and came to the conclusion that I was vaccine injured.  He sent me back to the lab to check my Covid antibodies and found that they were off the charts at over 25,000IU!  He said that he had other patients dealing with vaccine injury - all with unique presentations and puzzling blood test results.  As I have heard more stories since then, I realize that there are many people out there who have had it much worse than me, or even lost their lives.  The only thing we could do is wait, treat the thyroid, and manage the pain.  

The same week I was diagnosed, I went to a new physical therapist.  He began giving me therapeutic massage twice a week.  That was the first time in all these months that a therapist had done anything other than walk me through exercises.  I immediately began to feel less pain.  Now, after 3 months of twice a week massages, I am in dramatically less pain.  I still cannot sit for very long without pain, but I can stand for long periods of time, and walk fairly normally (still at a slow pace and for short distances, but on most days with very little pain).  My thyroid went from hyper to hypo so I quit the medication I was on and am thankful to no longer have the rapid heartrate, etc.  I will go back to see Dr. Plante Tuesday to see what my blood results look like now.  

I still have a long way to go, and I battle other symptoms that I haven't even mentioned (headaches, severe eye strain, brain fog, dizziness, fatigue) but I have improved greatly from where I was.  But as thankful as I am for improvement, God has brought me to a place where I am truly thankful for all of it.  I have watched Him work in my girls in ways I couldn't have imagined.  They have grown so much in their faith and love for Jesus.  It is so hard as a mom to see your kids struggling - and as you can imagine this has been incredibly hard for them - but I have learned that pain and struggle are such blessings when they cause us to depend so fully on the only One that is fully dependable!  And my girls have done just that.  They love Jesus more.  They have deeper joy and deeper peace.  They have learned to abide in Him and find refuge in Him.  And He is changing them.  I have seen them mature, not only spiritually, but also in their independence.  They haven't been able to depend on me for all the things they used to, so they have learned that with the Lord, they are capable of doing anything.  They have gone on trips to Guatemala with Joseph, and experienced difficult things on those trips, but also experienced the Lord sustaining and providing for them.  Jordyn and Hannah have begun making and selling earrings and crochet designs to earn money to help them continue to travel with Joseph, as well as do things here in SC to seek the Kingdom of God.  Yes, that was a shameless plug but email one of them (hannahjane310@gmail.com or jordynelizabeth1222@gmail.com) if you are interested and they can send you pics of what they have!  

This trial has caused all 5 of us to be steadfastly grounded on the sovereignty and goodness of God.  God is not just sovereign, meaning having all power, He is also purposeful and good!  We have prayed earnestly and endlessly for my healing, along with many others that pray for me.  And there have been moments on the darkest of days that I have wondered why God was not answering.  But the Lord has whispered to my heart, telling me that He hears every prayer.  And that He is not going to bring healing until He has accomplished every good thing He intends with this.  We are not victims of some evil circumstance.  God has allowed and ordained this trial - it may have been intended by the enemy to harm us, but God has only allowed it because He intends it for good! So now every time I wake up to a new day and the answer to our prayer for healing still seems far off, I feel a deep sense of peace knowing that it's not because He is not listening to our prayers.  It is because He is purposeful, sovereign, and good.  I don't have any idea of all the ways that He will get the glory from this, but I have seen some!  And I know there are things He is doing that we may never see this side of heaven.  So I just throw my hands up with tears streaming down my face and joy in my heart and say:

Oh, the depth of the riches

and the wisdom and the knowledge of God!

How unsearchable His judgments

and untraceable His ways!

For who has known the mind of the Lord?

Or who has been His counselor?

And who has ever given to God,

that He should be repaid?

For from Him and through Him

and to Him are all things.

To Him be the glory forever. Amen.

Romans 11:33-36

Finally able to sit long enough to take my girls for driving lessons!

Jordyn got bit by a dog on her 2-week trip to Guatemala.  Joseph found a place to get her rabies vaccines started there.  The Lord gave her such strength to endure that whole ordeal with peace of mind.  It was a growing experience for me too (to put it mildly)!

Layla in Guatemala with Joseph in July.

Can't believe Jordyn isn't embarrassed to match her mama even at age 15! 😍

Joseph praying with Jordyn & Layla before he & Hannah left for a trip to Guatemala.

My amazing parents not only let us live in their basement, but they also have a mattress in their living room so I can be with the family.  This pic was taken the night before Joseph and Hannah went on a trip to Guatemala.

We had a photo booth at Layla's surpise 13th birthday party.  I love this pic because I see such joy on thier faces and sisters that have drawn closer together in their friendship.

Greater Reality

As I have not been able to walk around normally without pain for the last 4 weeks, I have become increasingly thankful for the pleasures of Christ that are not dependent on physical health or any other circumstance.  My heart is full this morning as I think back on all that we have seen God do in the 4 years since the Lord led us to leave our life in NC and move to Guatemala.  Life is often full of trials of many kinds and considering them all a great joy can be difficult to put it mildly!  (James 1) As a bird's eye view of recent months, we have experienced both vehicles in the shop for weeks on end, sprained ankles, a broken hand, a sprained thumb, migraines, and mold taking over our old house followed by a busted water pipe causing a flood inside our new house... to name a few.  But the trials serve to remind us that this life is temporary and we are in the middle of a greater reality.  

We are caught up in something bigger than us. God is writing His great story that He has had planned since before the foundation of the world. And it gives us so much joy to know that our lives are a part of the plan of "the One who works out everything in agreement with the purpose of His will.” (Ephesians 1:11)  And every trial, every circumstance, every pain we experience are used by God to fulfill His perfect purposes. Nothing is wasted. Nothing is not important. So after we throw our fit before the Lord and He lovingly corrects us (just keeping it real), we can rejoice no matter the circumstance because we know He has ordained it for some good that He wants to accomplish. How could we live without that hope?!

So in that spirit, I want to tell you about a couple of the people we have come to love dearly.  We have seen God transform their lives and bring them into His mission of building His kingdom. It makes it all worth it to know that God has brought us into what He is doing... building His kingdom, seeking and saving the lost, rescuing people from the dominion of darkness, and bringing them into the joy of fellowship with Him for eternity!

I have to start with Charlie. His real name is Carlos, but everyone knows him as Charlie. Our family met him as we ate every Friday night at our favorite market restaurant. He was the chef who made the best caldo de gallina in all of Guatemala (and I have tried many!). He speaks English fluently because he grew up in an orphanage led by American missionaries. Once he aged out of the orphanage, he found himself on his own trying several different ways to earn a living. Eventually that led to him working in the restaurant, where he learned how to be a great chef. The Lord connected our hearts and he has become a part of our family... he is like a son to us and a brother to Hannah, Jordyn, and Layla. 

Charlie began helping us translate when gringo teams came and also meeting with Joseph regularly to study the Scripture. Through that, the Lord took over His heart and showed him his identity and purpose as a child of God. We have seen Charlie become a passionate follower of Jesus, tirelessly giving his life to God’s purposes. He knows everyone in our municipality of San Lucas and sees every relationship as an opportunity to share the gospel and make disciples. When the pandemic started, the restaurant closed down, along with the majority of businesses in Guatemala, and he found himself without income. But he also found himself with the time to join fully in ministry. Over the past year, he has worked beside Joseph giving out food bags, sharing the gospel, and discipling believers in several communities. In one of these communities, Chituc, they have seen a church planted from the people’s response to the gospel and persistence with meeting together for Bible study and sharing the gospel with their own friends and families. As the group outgrew the home they were meeting in, the Lord provided an opportunity for Charlie to move to Chituc, renting a small home where the church could meet. Now Charlie not only faithfully disciples this group in his home every Tuesday night, but he also does life with this new family in Christ. His deep sense of joy and purpose cause us to love and praise God even more!

Then there is Pancho. He came to us at the last minute as a translator for a team of gringos from Spring Valley Baptist Church last February. He was so nervous and told us from the very beginning that he would understand if we didn’t think he was good enough for the job and wanted to find someone else. However, that week we came to love Pancho and we witnessed the Lord take hold of his heart. That week we spent hours in Bible study and training with the team. We studied God’s Word and saw God’s plan for us to be His ambassadors carrying the message of the gospel to the world. We trained together in how to share the gospel and make disciples. And then we went to places in Guatemala and did the work. As Pancho trained and worked alongside of us, God gave him the hunger to be fully surrendered to God and His purposes for his life. At the end of that week, we baptized Pancho as he made public the change God had made in his heart. Since then, Pancho has faithfully continued the work of making disciples with those in his community. He is willing to make sacrifices to do the work of the ministry. He has grown to be a big part of our Guate22 team and always shows up when we have a meeting, a training, or an opportunity to serve... many times working incredibly early shifts or extra shifts at his job at a call center to make it happen. He feels like a part of our family has become a good friend to Hannah as they have led Zoom Bible studies together. He has told us that he was at a very low point in his life before coming to us that week. And now, he is caught up in something great that matters for eternity and he knows it! Praise God for Pancho.

There are more stories to tell. But to keep this from being too long, for today I will stop with those. It gives me so much joy to know that God is redeeming lives like this all the time. Lives that have been in darkness until He shines His light in their hearts and sweeps them up into His story. We are a part of something much bigger than us. An eternal story God has always been unfolding. And one day we will be with Him looking back and able to see the full beauty of it all. This is our living hope.

(As an update on my health for anyone interested, I do believe the Lord is bringing me through to the other side of this... My original knee injury led to a painful flare-up of an old hamstring injury, but He has provided me with a physical therapist and I am definitely on the mend!  Thank you to those of you who prayed for me!)

Even if...

Even if.  These are the words that are echoing in my heart and mind these days.  Our good and faithful God continues to lovingly work on me.  This time, the lesson feels quite difficult and I am earnestly praying that He brings me to the other side sooner rather than later.  But even if He doesn't... Even if the path He has lovingly chosen for me is painful... Even if He intends to patiently teach me to endure joyfully, to mean it more when I say through tears, "Jesus you are enough for me!"  He is enough.  He is sufficient.  His very nearness, His loving embrace, the unshakeable foundation of my life will not be taken from me.  He is with me and that is all I need to know.  Thank you Jesus!  You are truly worthy and I will praise you from now throughout eternity.   Your love is truly better than life and there is nothing in this world better than You!

As I write this, I am sitting on my couch icing my knee.  Tomorrow makes 2 weeks since I got up quickly from the dining room table and turned toward the kitchen, feeling an uncomfortable catch in my knee.  After hobbling around for a week, I went to a local orthopedist who diagnosed me with a knee sprain.  She also said there is the possibility of a meniscus injury, but time would tell.  Each day after an uncomfortable sleep, I get up hoping this trial will have passed, only to go through another day with no improvement.  So I have had 2 weeks of being completely side-lined physically.  I am usually very active, running 3 days a week and doing cross-training workouts another 3 days a week.  I also very rarely sit still for long periods of time.  I value being physically active and healthy.  Those are definitely good things and good gifts from the Lord.  However, I can see that I am prone to look to those things to provide for me that which the Lord has already given me in Christ Jesus.  So now I believe the Lord is working to purify my heart.  I don't want any corner of my heart to believe that I need to be physically healthy in order to have a life worth living, or in order to be fulfillfed and happy.  My life has purpose with our without physical health.  Jesus is sufficient for me to fulfull all my longings and desires.  He defines my life.  He determines my value.  And I am thankful that He has ordained this situation in order to reveal to me that I was not fully believing that.  My hope is not in the belief that this trial will soon pass and I can get on with my life.  My hope is in the fact that even if my lot in life from this point forward is to never again be physically able, all the things that are good and eternal are still true!  I am still just passing through the temporary, and I have an eternal home with my Savior.  I will experience the greatest pleasure and delight after this life has passed when I am finally with my Lord face to face.  What will it matter then if life is painful, difficult, or uncomfortable now?  He will still walk with me through it and into my glorious eternal home. 

I am well aware that my current situation is absolutely nothing compared to the things that many others are going through.  I often think of my brothers and sisters in Christ who have been called to walk down a path of great suffering.  And I can be tempted to live in fear that the Lord will call me to such a path.  But even if... I believe everything we experience as His children is ordained by Him.  And He will fulfill His good and perfect purpose for each of us.  I want to live each day of my life fully surrendered, trusting Him in every way.  I know that no matter the difficulties He calls us to face, we will not face them alone.  He is always with us, surrounding us with His providence.  We are safe when we find our refuge in Him.  So for now, as I wait for Him to complete His purposes through this particular trial, I lift my hands and my heart to Him in surrender and worship, thanking Him for His activity in my life.  

Not Home Yet

I have a confession.  Sometimes I crave the wrong things.  Just a couple of weeks ago, I was surprised by how quickly one picture on facebook took me away on a wave of emotions, bringing up feelings I thought had long been dealt with.  It was a picture of a friend's son sitting at his desk for his first day of homeschool.  Suddenly I longed for that house he was sitting in.... an American house with carpeted floors, probably a grassy yard outside, in a spacious neighborhood with wide streets.  That picture stuck with me.  I found myself feeling sad, craving the feel of carpet under my feet as I walked through my day homeschooling our girls.  Memories of our old home in NC flooded my mind, accompanied by an unwelcome jealousy of those living that life.  I knew that I was envying something that the Lord in His perfect goodness had taken from me.  And there is just not room for that in my heart!  It was robbing me of the joy and peace that comes from delighting in the Lord.  I had to call it what it was before the Lord.  I confessed it as sin and pleaded with Him to root it out of my heart.  And, as always, it was in that secret place that He so graciously dealt with me.  

It was through the words of Psalm 73 that the Lord restored my heart.  Now, the psalmist was actually writing about a time when he envied the apparent prosperity of the wicked, which is not what I was doing.  Many people live God-honoring lives in nice houses, so please understand that even though the object of envy was completely different, I totally related to the psalmist's honest expereience of wrestling with his own heart.  

"my feet almost slipped... For I envied... they are at ease... I became embittered and my inmost being was wounded, I was stupid and didn't understand..."

Yes, that how it is written!  I was stupid and didn't understand.  But it is so true!  My heart tends to forget. I think sometimes that certain earthly things would make my life better.  I slip back into longing for things that God has taken away from me... 

    "until I entered God's sanctuary"

It is when I sit with Him in His ever-faithful presence, that I am reminded of the incomparable treasures He has given me!  Anything He has ever taken from me has been replaced with immensely better riches.  As I have poured out my heart to Him these past couple of weeks, with a tile floor beneath my feet, I have felt so deeply thankful that I sit here with a heart that is free.  I am not sitting at my old dining room table, toes in the carpet, wishing I could have the courage to let go and surrender everything to Him.  Instead, I sit here surrendered.  Free.  With a heart that continues to truly desire to be more fully His in every way.  I continue to have experiences like this one, where He reveals to me areas that I am holding back from Him.  And each time, I experience Him bringing me into a place of greater freedom and greater joy.  I love the journey.  I love the intimate fellowship with my God and King.   He is my great reward.  The treasures I have in Him make everything else a lesser thing.  Those lesser things, that my forgetful heart tends to crave, are just not worth sacrificing for.  

Our God is One who gives generously.  He has given His Son to meet our greatest need.  Jesus died in our place, taking the punishment we deserve.  When we turn from trying to do things our own way, and place our trust in Him, He gives us His righteousness, bringing us into an unbreakable relationship with God.  And in Him, we have everything our hearts long for.  He satisfies every desire, every craving of our heart.  I know that I have believed this about God, but now He is bringing me into a place where I am experiencing it more fully.   I am truly thankful for all He has taken from me.  What He has given is far better!  In the words of C.S. Lewis, earthly things "were never intended to possess my heart... my true good is in another world, and my only real treasure is Christ."  My heart couldn't possibly yearn for anything else.  I have everything!  My heart cries out with the psalmist more sincerely than before...  

"Yet I am always with You; You hold my right hand.  You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me up in glory.  

Who do I have in heaven but You?  And I desire nothing on earth but You.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever."

Afterward.  That word in the verse above reminds me of the heavenly home that God has prepared for those who are His!  He will bring me there one day.  And I will be in my true forever home with the One who has always been by my side.   I have never felt more deeply satisfied.  I have everything I need and long for, and I have a future that is certain.  

I pray that the Lord will use these things that He teaches me in the secret place to help someone else.  He is definitely the One leading me to write, so I just know that He has a purpose in it.   I would love to hear from you if you want to reach out on facebook or by email at jcsaleeby@yahoo.com.  

-Christy

Things that Remain

I am so thankful for Fridays!  The girls and I have just completed our 11th week of the school year.  That's hard to believe.  We were soaking in our summer break in May when I surprised the girls with the announcement that we would begin our next school year 4 weeks early due to Covid.  Being stuck in the house, it just seemed like the right call.  The only problem was that the majority of my curriculum was sitting in boxes at my parents' house in South Carolina. So I was forced to think outside the realm of what I would otherwise consider possible.  You know, that sentence I just wrote strikes me as so incredibly funny.  That has become such a normal way of thinking for me here! These past few years have turned my world upside down for sure.  Thinking outside the realm of what seems logical or possible.  Yep, I think I'm getting used to that, even though I am probably one of the most inflexible-by-nature people on the planet.  Anyway, so I spent a couple of weeks figuring out how to make our new school year work with what I had.  I had ordered the 10th grade curriculum in DVDs this year so that I would not have to teach Hannah all her subjects.  But without access to those DVDs, I am now the teacher for 12 different subjects for our three girls - 5th grade (Layla), 8th grade (Jordyn), and 10th grade (Hannah).  We follow a very full and tight schedule each day, and so far it's working out fine for us.  It helps that God prepared me for this by making me a total nerd.  I really do enjoy all the studying and learning I have to do in order to teach, and I treasure the time spent teaching our girls one-on-one.  But the workload is heavy, and Mondays through Thursdays consist of constant studying, teaching, grading, or whiting out more answers from pages copied out of my teacher editions (workbooks are also sitting in boxes in SC 😬).  Then we take Fridays off so I can help Joseph, taking care of financial and administrative stuff for the ministry (www.guate22.org).  I start each day by spending time with the Lord, reading His word, and surrendering myself to Him yet again.  I could not function without that time.  He amazes me at the way He is always faithful to be there ready to fill me up again.  I NEED to know and experience His nearness and He never fails!  If you do not know God personally like this, we would love to tell you how you can have a relationship with Him through Jesus.  Please get in touch with us on Facebook or by email at jdsaleeby@gmail.com.  God has made a way for you to be forgiven and restored to a right relationship with Him!

Prior to this pandemic, Friday nights meant dinner out as a family.  We would go to our favorite restaurant in the local market (which has since been completely closed down putting many people out of their jobs 😢), where the most delicious caldo de gallina in all of Guatemala is served.  It was usually prepared by our adopted son, Charlie, who would also usually be at the restaurant working.  I should explain that we have not legally adopted Charlie, but he has nevertheless become a part of our family.  He grew up in an orphanage here in Guatemala.  The Lord brought our lives together through our Friday nights at the restaurant, and since then, Charlie has become a spiritual son, working faithfully alongside Joseph.  He is a major blessing to our family, and we love him dearly.  All that to say we are feeling the loss of this Friday night tradition.  Now, Friday nights are spent at home like every other night, except we make it fish taco night, which is my family's favorite meal (a.k.a. an excuse to eat a ridiculous amount of chips, guacamole, and salsa... nothing to do with the fish I prepare 😂).  I have realized, though, that as this pandemic has stripped away many things like this, the things that remain are truly God's good and perfect gifts to us.  We have lost the enjoyment of our Friday nights out, but we have not lost the daily enjoyment of fellowship with our very near Heavenly Father regardless of where we are.  We have lost the fun feelings of anticipation we usually feel over a night out or an upcoming trip, but we have not lost the ever-present anticipation of an inheritance waiting for us in heaven!  (1 Peter 1) A home where we will see Jesus face-to-face and live in that perfect city forever... free from sadness, sickness, grief, and every other effect of sin that we deal with as we are passing through this temporary life on earth.  I am increasingly thankful for these gifts that remain.  The satisfaction and pleasure that come from God's nearness and our eternal hope cannot be stripped away.  This life is temporary.  Our hope and our heavenly home are eternal.  By the way, if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend the 2019 "Pilgrim's Progress" movie!  I would love to rewatch that one, but it will have to wait.  Tonight, our family will be continuing our 2nd time through the Marvel movie saga with "Captain America: The Winter Soldier."  😀

Here we are at our favorite restaurant, La Abuelita, with our friends Ben and Shelby McRoy during their visit last November.

Joseph and Charlie

Lockdown

Christy here.  It seems to me that the Lord wants me to write something.  I have felt His leading in this direction for some time now, but I honestly do not enjoy writing for the purpose of sharing on a somewhat "public" platform.  To me, it seems synonymous with standing on a stage and speaking into a microphone!  It is so much more comfortable to only share my thoughts in more personal settings.  But... I earnestly desire to be obedient to my King, and if He has plans to use me as His instrument in some way, I do not want to miss out.  I have no idea the direction this will go, but I am just going to share my heart and see what the Lord does!  This post will be of a personal nature... if you would like to know more about our ministry here and how we've been serving during the Covid-19 crisis, you can find up-to-date info at our website www.guate22.org or on our ministry facebook page https://www.facebook.com/guate22.  

So... this is quite an unexpected season.  Honestly, at the beginning of this, despite the presence of a nervous-knot-in-my-stomach kind of fear,  I was really ok with the lockdown.  I mean, Joseph can tell you that I am most definitely a hobbit (with the exception of the hairy feet - for some reason I feel compelled to clarify that 😂).  I am perfectly content with staying home, normal routines, and the lack of adventures..."nasty disturbing uncomfortable things... make you late for dinner!"  So staying home pleased my comfort-zone-seeking-self on a lot of levels.  However, as the reality of the long-haul we were in for started sinking in, so did the temptation to succumb to fear.  The unknown future of exactly how this virus may impact our family is scary!  I have had to wrestle with my fear and decide - do I believe God is strong enough to protect us or not?  And if He allows us to get sick, do I truly believe in His absolute goodness and promise to work all things for our good and His glory?  I absolutely do believe those things, but I am daily laying down my fears and asking God to help me KNOW what I know.  There are definitely emotional ups and downs, but He has been so faithful with me to help me trust Him more. His peace is truly guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

Due to the Guatemalan border closure, we had to indefinitely postpone our trip to the States that was scheduled for May.  We have lived here for the last 3 years, depending on our visits to the States every six months for refreshment from visiting family and friends.  Also, I restock on many things that are either unavailable or too expensive to buy in Guatemala.  The first thing we ran out of was zyrtec.  We have all struggled with seasonal allergies so much in the past, that 4 out of 5 of us have taken zyrtec daily for years.  I was sure that we would all be miserable as soon as our zyrtec ran out.  And it happened.  We were miserable.  Itching from head to toe.  I was asking the Lord to give us all a strength we hadn't known to endure this for who knows how many months!  However, after a couple of weeks, the symptoms stopped!  Never heard of zyrtec withdrawal before but apparently it's a thing!  I am so thankful to report that our allergies are only a minor issue on occasion but nothing like I thought they would be.  I truly believe the Lord is protecting us in this way.  Also, even when we were all miserable, I was amazed at the way He sustained our attitudes to endure it.  We have two teenage daughters (need I say more 😂) and being miserable has a way of causing emotions to take over (only for them, not for Joseph and me of course😉), but during the awful withdrawal phase, the Lord sustained them with incredible attitudes.  It was such a blessing to all joyfully decide together that we weren't going to endure this season whining and complaining.  And then we were super relieved when it passed.  This experience has reminded me that I really can trust God with EVERYTHING.  Apparently in my heart, I was still leaning a bit on my ability to keep us stocked in all the right meds.  But God is perfectly capable of sustaining our bodies with or without those things.  I am so thankful to know that I am leaning on Him a little more now than before.  He can bear the weight.  He is strong enough to be everything we need Him to be.  And we miss out on the joy of knowing how perfectly we are loved and cared for when we lean on anything other than Him!  

I think I'll leave it at that for today.  I intend to write more often as a way of sharing the things God is teaching me.  And He is always teaching me!  I hope He will use me to bring encouragement to someone who reads this.  Or maybe writing these things out is just for my own encouragement!  Either way is fine with me.