The Lord has put it on my heart for some time now to write about this unexpected season. But I honestly have no idea how I am going to put into words all that He has done and taught us these past months. It's hard to know how to describe this season we find ourselves in. I want to say how incredibly difficult and painful this trial has been, but then I just can't! The riches of the treasures we have found in the Lord during this time have caused me to feel truly thankful for every bit of it. Every wrong diagnosis, all the time spent with no answers and worsening symptoms, the grief of being away from our earthly home in Guatemala, even all the moments battling the despair that wanted to take over. Through it all, we have been held so closely by our Father. He has shown Himself to be sovereign, not allowing this trial to end until He has fulfilled His every purpose for it. He has proved Himself to be good, giving mercy just when we need it, and comfort in knowing that He has ordained this for our good. He has been our refuge, our safe place, and we know He will be that for all eternity, no matter how long this earthly life endures or how full of trials it may be. Through Jesus, we have been brought near to God, and He will never let us go. Our souls are secure for eternity, and He is walking beside us every moment of every day. No circumstance or trial can shake those things, so we always have cause to rejoice.
For those of you reading this that don't know what's been going on, let me fill you in. I started having hip pain in January as I was recovering from a broken ankle. It worsened through the months that followed, so I went straight to an orthopedist when we arrived in the States in April for what we thought would be a 5-6 week visit. It appeared I just needed physical therapy. But then, after beginning some physical therapy, the pain was now in both sides of my hips. Then, in May, I developed over the course of a few days, bursitis in both hips and both of my sit bones. The pain was constant. I could no longer sit at all without intense pain. Walking and standing was also painful - in my hips and soon also in my left foot as well. And after some time, it also became very painful in my lower back (sacrum) when I was laying down. I also had pinched nerve pain in my upper back and neck which prevented me from being able to lay on my stomach. In other words, there were weeks where the pain was constant and there was no position I could find any relief. I also developed severe dermatitis, where my skin began a constant cycle of burning, itching, and peeling. I grieved a lot during that time. My family was going places and doing things, and I was in the room able to do nothing but rotate from one pain to another all day long. Also, during this time, we had no idea what was wrong with me. I went from pushing through the pain and doing physical therapy 3 times a week for several weeks, to resting completely for several weeks. I had 6 steroid injections, platelet-rich-plasma injections, dry needling many times, ASTYM therapy, a round of oral steroids... but no matter what, I just got worse. I was tested for auto-immune diseases and had MRIs done on my hips and lower back. Then I went to a new doctor. The first visit was with his PA so she could order blood tests and have me come back to talk with the doctor himself. She suggested I take Cymbalta for the pain. That night I took the Cymbalta, along with my usual benedryl and 5mg of a muscle relaxer to help me sleep. Unfortunately, that combination sent me to the ER where I spent the day getting IV fluids (it's called anticholinergic toxicity... severe shaking, dilated pupils, darting eyes, rapid heart rate, nausea... it was pretty scary to be honest!). After that experience, I was afraid to take any medicine at all. I have gradually returned to my normal meds (definitely not the 3 meds I took that night though!), but there were a few days when I wouldn't take anything for pain. And I remember looking at Joseph every time it got too bad and saying "all I have is Jesus" - I can't go take something to help. He's all I have. And Joseph would pray for me, and every time, God would mercifully grant me a measure of relief. I will never forget that. I believe He has shown the same mercy in providing medicine that helps, but in those days, it was so real to me that He is all I need!
The following week, I had my follow-up appointment with my new doctor, Dr. Plante. He carefully studied all of my medical records from the previous months, along with the new blood tests he had run. By that time, I was also dealing with a rapid heart rate on a regular basis, which also caused shortness of breath, shakiness, and feelings of anxiety. (I found out that my thyroid was in overdrive, which was the cause of those symptoms). Dr. Plante talked with us for over an hour and came to the conclusion that I was vaccine injured. He sent me back to the lab to check my Covid antibodies and found that they were off the charts at over 25,000IU! He said that he had other patients dealing with vaccine injury - all with unique presentations and puzzling blood test results. As I have heard more stories since then, I realize that there are many people out there who have had it much worse than me, or even lost their lives. The only thing we could do is wait, treat the thyroid, and manage the pain.
The same week I was diagnosed, I went to a new physical therapist. He began giving me therapeutic massage twice a week. That was the first time in all these months that a therapist had done anything other than walk me through exercises. I immediately began to feel less pain. Now, after 3 months of twice a week massages, I am in dramatically less pain. I still cannot sit for very long without pain, but I can stand for long periods of time, and walk fairly normally (still at a slow pace and for short distances, but on most days with very little pain). My thyroid went from hyper to hypo so I quit the medication I was on and am thankful to no longer have the rapid heartrate, etc. I will go back to see Dr. Plante Tuesday to see what my blood results look like now.
I still have a long way to go, and I battle other symptoms that I haven't even mentioned (headaches, severe eye strain, brain fog, dizziness, fatigue) but I have improved greatly from where I was. But as thankful as I am for improvement, God has brought me to a place where I am truly thankful for all of it. I have watched Him work in my girls in ways I couldn't have imagined. They have grown so much in their faith and love for Jesus. It is so hard as a mom to see your kids struggling - and as you can imagine this has been incredibly hard for them - but I have learned that pain and struggle are such blessings when they cause us to depend so fully on the only One that is fully dependable! And my girls have done just that. They love Jesus more. They have deeper joy and deeper peace. They have learned to abide in Him and find refuge in Him. And He is changing them. I have seen them mature, not only spiritually, but also in their independence. They haven't been able to depend on me for all the things they used to, so they have learned that with the Lord, they are capable of doing anything. They have gone on trips to Guatemala with Joseph, and experienced difficult things on those trips, but also experienced the Lord sustaining and providing for them. Jordyn and Hannah have begun making and selling earrings and crochet designs to earn money to help them continue to travel with Joseph, as well as do things here in SC to seek the Kingdom of God. Yes, that was a shameless plug but email one of them (hannahjane310@gmail.com or jordynelizabeth1222@gmail.com) if you are interested and they can send you pics of what they have!
This trial has caused all 5 of us to be steadfastly grounded on the sovereignty and goodness of God. God is not just sovereign, meaning having all power, He is also purposeful and good! We have prayed earnestly and endlessly for my healing, along with many others that pray for me. And there have been moments on the darkest of days that I have wondered why God was not answering. But the Lord has whispered to my heart, telling me that He hears every prayer. And that He is not going to bring healing until He has accomplished every good thing He intends with this. We are not victims of some evil circumstance. God has allowed and ordained this trial - it may have been intended by the enemy to harm us, but God has only allowed it because He intends it for good! So now every time I wake up to a new day and the answer to our prayer for healing still seems far off, I feel a deep sense of peace knowing that it's not because He is not listening to our prayers. It is because He is purposeful, sovereign, and good. I don't have any idea of all the ways that He will get the glory from this, but I have seen some! And I know there are things He is doing that we may never see this side of heaven. So I just throw my hands up with tears streaming down my face and joy in my heart and say:
Oh, the depth of the riches
and the wisdom and the knowledge of God!
How unsearchable His judgments
and untraceable His ways!
For who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been His counselor?
And who has ever given to God,
that He should be repaid?
For from Him and through Him
and to Him are all things.
To Him be the glory forever. Amen.
Romans 11:33-36
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| Finally able to sit long enough to take my girls for driving lessons! |
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| Jordyn got bit by a dog on her 2-week trip to Guatemala. Joseph found a place to get her rabies vaccines started there. The Lord gave her such strength to endure that whole ordeal with peace of mind. It was a growing experience for me too (to put it mildly)! |
 Layla in Guatemala with Joseph in July. |
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| Can't believe Jordyn isn't embarrassed to match her mama even at age 15! 😍 |
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| Joseph praying with Jordyn & Layla before he & Hannah left for a trip to Guatemala. |
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| My amazing parents not only let us live in their basement, but they also have a mattress in their living room so I can be with the family. This pic was taken the night before Joseph and Hannah went on a trip to Guatemala. |
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| We had a photo booth at Layla's surpise 13th birthday party. I love this pic because I see such joy on thier faces and sisters that have drawn closer together in their friendship. |
